What’s Here Now?

What’s here now?
Five Steps to find your way when the next step feels uncertain.

What’s here now? These words have been playing over and over in my mind lately. I’m not sure where they came from, but here they are, knocking on my head and heart. Perhaps they are a reminder to work with what I’ve got, as imperfect as it may be, to keep forging ahead. A message to focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. Maybe they’ve arrived because by the end of the summer, I’m antsy to get back to a schedule, get my podcast going, and launch some new things into the world. At the same time, I’m mothering and caring for my family, who needs me to be here now. And perhaps it’s a reminder of what grief has so intimately taught me: the value of a moment. Each day, I look at my boys and think – this moment will never come again. Let me be here now.

Maybe it’s because we are in a transition season as a family, and we are not 100% sure where we will land. Someday, I’ll be able to share more about it all. But today, I’m sitting in this space without a roadmap of where we’ll go next. Sitting here, I hear, “What’s here now?”

My life is a dichotomy of busy movement and standing still. Busy movement with my two healthy boys and all their activities and the work I feel called to do. And standing still as I raise my son Bodey, the sweetest boy who is so very loved by our family and needs intensive caregiving. This past year has been challenging as we’ve watched him lose his vision. And as we settle into a new normal, whatever that actually is, I hear these words:

What’s here now?
What do I have to work with?
What can I do with what I’ve got?

About a month ago, we confirmed there are no surgical options to restore Bodey’s eyesight. I spent a couple of days crying. And then, as I’ve done so many times before, I thought – okay, we know what we have to work with…let’s begin. Sometimes, just knowing what we’ve got to work with (and what we don’t) vs. hoping for something that may or may not come offers a clear head as we take the next step. And if I have no idea what that is, I whisper a prayer, trusting the knowing will come. Sometimes the answer comes quickly; others, it feels like a long walk in the dark.

I’m not saying we have to like what’s in front of us, but we do have to be honest about what IT is so we can take the next step in our lives. I’ve found that while I need to give myself time to grieve, it doesn’t serve me to stay there. So, it’s my choice to take one wobbly step forward. It’s also a time to get creative and scrappy. What can be born from where I am today? What can I do with what I have now? Can I see things from a new perspective? I imagine taking an object and turning it all around in my hands, manipulating it to see what it might look like if I turn it upside down or on its side. That’s what we have to do with life, many times over. The truth is, some really amazing creations, insights, and ideas can come from this place.

And so, what’s here now?

What’s in front of you?

What do you have to work with? Maybe it’s not much.

You may have to re-do or, re-configure or begin again.

I believe you can. I believe I can.

I used to think of what I wanted as a destination to work towards. Now, I see it as holding the vision of what I hope for, yes, but more about focusing on taking the next step and trusting the rest will unfold. It’s a posture of action and surrender all at the same time. It’s the walk of faith. If you are struggling with what’s in front of you, here are five steps that might help you as you take the next step with what’s in front of you. For me, this is a “back to the basics” exercise that helps get me centered.

1. Admit what you desire: It’s 100% okay to admit what you want. It’s equally okay to be devastated that you didn’t get it (now or yet). I think it’s important not to push aside our desires or bury our dreams. They might unfold in a way you didn’t expect. Bring them to the surface. Admit them. Speak them. Allow yourself to acknowledge them.

2. Assess what’s in front of you – What’s here now? What do you have to work with? What is one thing you CAN do next? Trust you are being led even here. Get quiet, get creative.

3. Shift your mindset. Instead of  - I hope Bodey’s eyesight comes back. It’s now I have a blind son. I always leave room for miracles. But I also live in the here and now. This week, I’ve been stopping several times daily to be thankful. Not to utter words but to feel gratitude. Imagine how it feels when something extraordinary happens, and you can’t contain your gratitude. I’m working on living in gratitude for what’s here and trusting I’ll know how to help him best as we go along. This is a practice. And I’m practicing.

 4.  Take one next step. Just one. As I learn to accept Bodey’s blindness, I’ve shifted how I speak to him. I’m describing who is there and what we will do next. If I’m across the room – I say, “Mom is right here. You aren’t alone”. When I read him a book, I let him feel the pages and the texture more than I used to. I take his hand and help him to feel what’s around him. My family is doing the same. We are adjusting. I spoke with his school team and told them it was a new day. We need to begin again to help him catch up and access his education in the way he can. Let me be clear here – none of this means I like this. I wish it were different. But wishing is not going to help Bodey. So, we take a step and trust the next one will come to us. And then the next.

 5. And then we again ask – What’s here now? And we continue moving with our lives.

If you know me in real life, you know this all feels very counter to how I want to navigate my life. I like making plans and working toward them. I’m a big-picture thinker. I’ve often re-arranged a room, reorganized a system, and reimagined a process in my mind before most people do. This practice of “here now” and of daily, sometimes momentary gratitude is just that, a practice. I have to practice it over and over and over again. Of course, I’m 100% also encouraging you to have a vision for your life. Don’t give up on that. But life pushes us all off course more than we like, and sometimes, the detours become the biggest blessings. I know this is true. I’ve lived it. I’ve witnessed it.

And so I hope these words help you today as you navigate this next chapter, day, or moment of your life.

Keep going.

I believe in you.