Ethan’s life and death have taught me to really listen to myself, my intuition, God, my soul. To really listen. As these thoughts of fear and failure raced through my mind, one of my greatest realizations of the last three years screamed to me. “IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.” My life is really not about me. My life is about loving others, making a difference, and impacting change. My life is not a container with 4 sides, but rather it’s a fluid river that’s ebbing and flowing and desiring forward motion. My spirit years for connection to you, to others. It yearns for meaning, purpose. It yearns for love.

You are the mom before someone. The dad before someone. The friend, the student, the scientist, the doctor, the teacher, the business person, the author, the someone before someone. Someone will come after you. They will stand on your shoulders. You can make a difference for them. You can stand tall and help make their story better. Even if you cannot make yours better. You get a choice. You always get a choice. I have come to a place in my life where I believe there are no coincidences. Ethan in the hospital for 13 months..no coincidence. Our story...no coincidence. Your story...no coincidence. You hate the outcome of your story? I get it. I do. But you get the choice. Make a change, make a difference. It doesn't have to be in a loud, sweeping way. It can be quiet and small...it's still making a difference. Love the people who tried their best, even if they came up short. Love them into doing something different next time. In the process of all of this...love yourself. You are a beautiful creation. You are created to make a difference. 

Spring has turned to summer and I find my body physically aches. I’m often not consciously thinking about being sad or about the fact that another school year has finished without Ethan and that another summer is upon us and we will make memories without him. I’m reminded that grief is physical and at times all encompassing and that it demands my time and my attention. I’m reminded that more time is passing and that healing is a process. That I'm still a student and that I have more work to do. 

For quite sometime I've wanted to continue writing. I had a hard time giving up writing on Caringbridge, but sensed it was time for something new. So here I am writing again, but in a new home. To be totally honest, I'm not sure what this blog will become. But I know I have a lot to say...a lot to share...so here is where that will happen. Over the past three years I have not shared in writing physically as much as I've written in my head. The last three years of learning to live with the death of Ethan have been...well I'm not sure what word I'd pick. They've been hard and they've been fascinating.