Clean Out A Closet
Maybe like me, you feel a little disjointed lately. Do you remember being a kid and walking up a teeter-totter towards the middle? Before one side popped up and the other fell down, you stood in the middle, balancing both sides. The balancing was a weird mix of satisfying and challenging. You had to really pay attention to keep your balance lest you fell to one side or the other. I think we are all trying to balance so much these days, making decisions, and not 100% sure we are making the right ones - cue school decisions, work decisions, election decisions, and the list goes on.
When I feel especially disjointed, I try to identify why. Well, a clear reason for me is being home for 6 months day in and out with my kids with little support for my son with many special needs. It’s trying to run a non-profit in a season where all our fundraising events have been canceled. I’ve really had to dig deep these months and find ways to access space in my head and heart to stay somewhat grounded.
I sat with my friend Gretchen this week, telling her about this feeling. Gretchen is an interior designer and creates the most incredible spaces for people. I told her that whenever I think about this feeling of disjointedness, I think about the closets in my house. I think about drawers and cabinets that need to be cleaned out. I told her that I haven’t tackled them, yes, because of time, but also because of what I will find in them. Remnants of Ethan. Reminders of the parts of my life that hurt my heart. While I’ve done a ton of work, this work of growth and healing is truly a lifetime, and I’m not sure what I’ll find if I dig back in.
Like the world around us, I’ve felt it’s time to shift some things in my work, life, and home. I have a sense of what they are, but not a totally clear picture. As a creative person, my environment is important to me. Disjointed space makes me feel disjointed on the inside. So Gretchen said - “clean out those closets. Face those feelings. Give away those 50 (exaggerating just a little:-) pillows so someone else can use them to decorate their home. Make space for what’s to be”. I know from my grief journey that I often had breakthroughs when I was doing physical activity - working out, working with my hands, painting furniture, cleaning my house.
Sometimes we have to go backward to move forward. Sometimes we have to dig in, so we can pour out. Sometimes we have to rearrange what we do to keep ourselves aligned and peaceful. Sometimes we have to sit without answers and listen to what comes. Trusting that we’ll be nudged in the right direction. My message to you is - go there - clean out that closet. Admit to yourself you want to do something different. Say no to something people assume you’ll always do. Clear a path and sit in that empty space to make room for the next thing, idea, friendship, thought, or career.
After Gretchen left, I cleaned out my first closet. I gathered a pile for goodwill, I filled the garbage can in my garage. I found remnants of Ethan. While Bodey and Chase sat in the other room, I sat in the closet and cried. I smiled. I thought about how weird it is that time can pass and yet I can put myself back in a moment just like that. I whispered to Ethan and God - please keep showing me the way. I cleared just a little bit of space. Not sure what I’m making room for, but I’m going to keep clearing space until I know.
So if it resonates with you, go clean a closet and see what you find.
