How do we do conflict better?
“When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out. Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade. ”
There's conflict swirling all around us. Open your social feed or turn on any of the networks, and there it is in all its glory. And it's pretty ugly right now. Long gone are the days of productive discussions; instead, it seems we head for cancel culture, assuming that will endear others to our point of view.
I find myself thinking - where are the good thinkers these days? Where are the engaging conversations that dig into both sides? Maybe it's my age, but at 45, I see more shades of gray than ever before. Issues feel more nuanced and complicated than they do straightforward. What does not feel gray are my principles. I believe each person is created in God's image and so they have inherent value. I'm committed to caring and advocating for people in need and those in the margins. But even with those guiding principles, the solutions to the myriad of problems we face are not simple. I love to read and listen to and learn from people who know more than me. I filter their ideas through my guiding principles and when I can engage in thoughtful conversations.
The reality is conflict arises in daily life, not most often as a political battle, but in dealing with other humans. We may have disagreements with our co-workers, schools, medical providers or insurance companies, our employers or employees, and of course, with our family members and friends. I don't love conflict, but I have learned some things by dealing with it in many different areas of my life. Sometimes I just feel in conflict with life itself, and I wonder how to make peace with it. I bet you feel the same some days too.
So how can we do conflict better? How can we find ways to face the inevitable disagreements with more grace?
Here are some ideas that might help:
See people as people first. Don't assign them some sub-human label and refuse to listen. Before entering any conflict, make sure you realize that people are people. Just because you do not think the same does not mean they are "bad." We are all fallible, and we all have blind spots. We see the world through our own internal bias. And as much as you want people to think just like you and see things from your perspective, that is not always possible. Similarly, you may not be able to see things from their perspective because of your internal bias. When we acknowledge that we are people with different experiences and biases, we can start a productive conversation. The problem today is that most people just want to argue; they don't want to converse. Assess that right upfront. If arguing to argue is not for you, it's best to walk away then.
Be genuinely curious and ask questions. When we are in conflict with others, we often can't see past our own ideas. We don't listen because we just can't wait to get our next word in. We are not actually curious about why the other person thinks the way they do. And truthfully, they may not care much for our point of view. Asking questions disarms people. Being genuinely curious about why they think the way they do invites conversation instead of the only conflict. And you might learn something! When you ask the questions, you need to genuinely listen to the other person's response. It's most helpful if you can take a deep breath and imagine yourself actually setting your point of view aside next to you so you can be open to what they have to say. The person you are in conflict with may not return this favor. But you will demonstrate the willingness to hear them. There is always virtue in that.
Be aware of the person's place in the system or issue you are in conflict with. When I'm dealing with a person on the phone, and it's not going smoothly, I'll stop and say - "I know you did not create this problem or make these rules, but can you help me figure out how to make this happen?" That acknowledgment usually disarms people, and they will help out in the best way they can.
Pull people to a higher purpose. My mind naturally goes to the big picture. It's my blessing and my curse. In conflicts, this has served me well. Can we come together for something bigger? Can we see how this conflict is not just about the issue at hand but about creating something better for a larger group of people in the long run? I think asking - what might we be able to create together out of this? - is a question to consider when we're in conflict with others. Is there something we can agree on and do together out of this conflict?
Finally, stand for what you believe. And don't be ashamed of it. Be firm and loving. Kind yet resolved.
It is okay to be at odds with someone else and disagree with them. Hopefully, the grace you extend will give them a reason to consider your side of the argument. Be open to learning; maybe you have more research to do or more life to experience to understand the issue more thoroughly. And you might just have to agree to disagree. In the end, love people more than winning an argument. Be curious. Extend grace. A rich life, in my opinion, includes people of all different points of view. So maybe this next week, practice listening as much as you talk and see what you can learn.
I'll join you.
